This is all I'm trying for, striving towards right now: A cosmic Do-Over, to try and right the wrongs I've accomplished in the past three years, a lot of which were avoidable, most of which were organic by virtue of situation, a few of which were willfully foolish and fueled by frustration and anger and a deep desire for revenge at a Universe that I am compelled to believe is in charge of the events of our lives, whether or not we want them to occur.
I have touched on fatigue before, on being tired of struggling and of resignation; tired of explaining myself and of my desire to be unquestionable; tired of being alone and of wishing to be left alone.
I am still tired. I am still conflicted and I still have the answers in front of me and I still sit here, for the most part, making few strides towards making it all right again...mostly because I am tired, really tired.
There are arenas in which I would battle with bare fists the obstacles that keep me from achieving my desired ends, and in that same arena I would graciously concede to the victors of my wishes; there are other arenas in which I would plead to all humanity to please understand, but in that same arena I'd ask the same folks to kindly fuck off, that my business is none of theirs and their comprehension or compassion for my pain and trials is none of my business.
There is this arena, this existential and enigmatic one where I humbly admit that I am helpless and ignorant and am willing to give over to what is greater than I am the power to have at it, to do Its will and to give me only the vision and courage to clean up this giant mess myself. This is the most likely arena to which I will be given access and it would behoove me to accept the pass I have here in my hand and get in there and take what is available and no more.
And by doing so, I may just get that do-over after all.
I have touched on fatigue before, on being tired of struggling and of resignation; tired of explaining myself and of my desire to be unquestionable; tired of being alone and of wishing to be left alone.
I am still tired. I am still conflicted and I still have the answers in front of me and I still sit here, for the most part, making few strides towards making it all right again...mostly because I am tired, really tired.
There are arenas in which I would battle with bare fists the obstacles that keep me from achieving my desired ends, and in that same arena I would graciously concede to the victors of my wishes; there are other arenas in which I would plead to all humanity to please understand, but in that same arena I'd ask the same folks to kindly fuck off, that my business is none of theirs and their comprehension or compassion for my pain and trials is none of my business.
There is this arena, this existential and enigmatic one where I humbly admit that I am helpless and ignorant and am willing to give over to what is greater than I am the power to have at it, to do Its will and to give me only the vision and courage to clean up this giant mess myself. This is the most likely arena to which I will be given access and it would behoove me to accept the pass I have here in my hand and get in there and take what is available and no more.
And by doing so, I may just get that do-over after all.
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